Thursday, February 26, 2015

Ghosts

     Something that has been on my mind recently, ghosts. I'm not talking about mysterious apparitions or the kind of ghost that someone on a reality show is claiming touched them as they try to sell a television show. I mean the ghosts that we leave throughout our lives. The impressions that we leave and that remain in certain places that takes us back to that very moment in time every time we see it. This is one of those places for me.

Taken that very April night in 2012 from the spot I was sitting.
     It was an April evening in 2012. I had started dating a woman in March of that year whom I had dated years back. Things went fast, things just felt right for me. One evening before we officially started to date again we were talking over a bottle of wine. I made a comment that we should just pick a future date and place, if neither of us were with anyone else by then we should just meet there and get married. At the time I was serious and thought that it sounded romantic. Looking back I now see that perhaps it was the wine talking. Which brings me to here, this place on that April evening in 2012. We were out on a date for dinner then walked over to a bar that overlooks the Ohio River from Kentucky. I was driving and sober but my date was not. She left to use the restroom and I was sitting outside on the patio looking across the river to Cincinnati and sent her a text. It simply contained a specific date in 2014, nothing more. The date in regards to my aforementioned idea of us getting married. She did not see the text till the next day. Every time I see this place or stand in the very spot I think about that night. It is very bittersweet now, a lot has happened since then.

     We ended up getting married in 2013 but by 2014 things went bad. In October of 2013, three months after getting married, I discovered that my wife had been sending "I love and miss you" emails back and forth with her ex boyfriend. A month later I discovered they had been sleeping together the entire time that we were engaged, supposedly not after we got married but that doesn't matter anymore. I discovered a lot of things and the fact that the person whom I loved more than anyone and trusted blindly was not who I thought she was. Some of those "ghosts" of happy memories in certain places then turned to upsetting memories. There is a ghost of a moment on a specific bridge where we committed ourselves to one another. There is the bed and breakfast that we were staying in the weekend that we became engaged. Then the beach that I was standing on when I said "I do" not realizing that my marriage was based on a lie. They are all ghosts that I wish I could get rid of. Maybe one day I will create new memories of those places, leave new ghosts and the old ones simply vaporize. Maybe I will revisit those places. Perhaps sit on the beach by myself with a blanket and bottle of wine as I watch the sunset. It would be a bit poetic and symbolic for the sun to set on that ghost which I no longer wish to remember. Only looking back to remember a beautiful Summer night on the beach by myself with a bottle of wine as the sun sets on the Gulf of Mexico.

     We all leave those ghosts, those certain memories of our lives tied to certain places. Just as memories can be triggered by a song or certain smell, they can also be triggered by specific places. I often find myself driving and noticing a certain place where something significant in my life happened. The football field that I once played on as a kid, the restaurant that my family liked to occasionally visit growing up, the baseball fields that my son played on... there are many wonderful ghosts. Though my life is not where I currently want it to be I will continue leaving positive energy, leaving my ghosts behind. Perhaps even ones that others will see and live on long after I'm gone.

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